Babbling Stream of Thought Or Maybe A Slow Drip

IMG_0395Today I didn’t wake up to work out. It was sort of planned, although I am still not positive that I won’t go at some point. Most plans build in one day off a week and I have read that a day off is important. From the way my legs feel, I totally understand that.I have gone eight days straight which, yesterday, felt hard. The problem is that mentally I hate to take a day off. It not only feels that I let myself down, inside I am afraid that I am setting up a trend. As much as I have been enjoying this, working out doesn’t come as naturally to me as it did in my twenties. Honestly, I sometimes think the joy is something I add retrospectively in the thrill of “I did it.” So when I don’t go, it feels as though I could start a habit of not going. In the past three weeks I have tried to build it into the routine, so maybe Saturday plan not to go. The day is normally inspired by a life event that may cause me to be out later and drinking. I am at an age where that rarely comes around more than once a week, if that. This morning I woke and my legs just ached, so after wrestling with it for about ten minutes, I decided to stay home. And I am already missing it. I stayed in bed until a little before six and now I feel as though I am already behind. And I worry that I made the wrong decision, or I chose it based more on just being tired than an actual day of rest. Truly, I plan to fit in a strength workout today, but I don’t think that counts.

It is the aerobic work outs that build endurance and that tend to make me feel calmer. Although, I have noticed lately, aerobics don’t always put me in a great mood as they did in the beginning. Biking almost always does, but running not so much. Mostly the only thoughts that go through my head go something like this, “Just make it to the stop sign, just make it to the stop sign.” If I am running, it is to the rhythm of my feet but when I bike it just repeats over and over. So here is the weird part I have sort of been avoiding. I have also found that bothersome memories keep coming up. Things I haven’t thought of in years, pop out of nowhere. And the emotions attached tend to be just as strong and as raw. It sort of reminds me of a body detox, which I have never done. Supposedly, when people detox their breath smells bad, they break out, they get congested, and they become emotional. Well, I think if I went any real time without food I would become incredibly emotional.

And, since I am babbling, I have found that even though, like this morning, I sometimes have to really push myself out of bed, this has become the focal point of my whole day. As the day wears on, even when I don’t come back in a good mood, I can’t wait for the early morning time when I get to go again. There are days when everything else feels like clutter in between the time I go biking or running in the morning. And there are days, like yesterday, where I was so bone tired all day that I just want to go to bed so that when I do go out I will be able to put in a good effort. This worries me. I don’t want this to be a passing fad, but a life style. Which, like going vegan, will be hard if my family doesn’t adopt it in some manner. I finally gave up the vegan lifestyle because I felt as though it was driving a wedge between my family and myself.  I don’t want to give this up. I really want this, and not just for the Endurance Race. I want this because….. I have no idea.


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