Change and Reality

I really resist change. This week I worked through a new routine that completely changed my schedule and some of my exercises. So whether I am running or going to the gym, I feel as though I need to go back and do another work out. You know, the work outs I have been using through the summer. I don’t know why I think these are better.

Probably, it is the demon that continues to haunt me. Body image is a funny thing. I was overweight for years, and yet in my head I wasn’t. It was just a little extra water retention or the clothes fit wrong. When I finally came to full realization  of my body size, I continued to deny. I only needed to adjust my diet a little and maybe exercise some. And then I would come up with the ridiculous plan that I couldn’t keep. You know, I’m going to run ten miles every morning and then put in an hour at the gym. Get it all in by six and cheerfully get my kids off to school. I’d get all happy and excited about it, as though I had already accomplished some major milestone. And, I made it look easy. Then reality. Wah! Wah! Run? I couldn’t run half a mile, let alone ten. And going to the gym? With other people? Who might see me? Uhh, no. Pass the red wine. I’m out of shape, not fat, for heaven’s sake. No need to panic. So I had to come to tough reality about myself. First and foremost was how much importance I placed on how I look. A huge percentage of my self worth was (is?) defined by the mirror. I feel pretty? Wow, I’m an amazing person!! I feel fat? I am a loser! And although I continually work to change this, I am aware that my original goal was to lose thirty pounds. And I haven’t really backed off of that. Isn’t it interesting that that the number that mattered was my weight and not the size of my waist? And I am worried that all of my good habits will go flying out the window and I will again be the beer drinking slug.

Even though I am aware on some plane that I have lost some weight and my clothes fit better, in my head I am the exact same person I was back in May. I don’t think of myself as thin, or in shape. And I work to stay away from thin being the goal. Which is a constant struggle. Because although my workouts are geared towards running faster and having more powerful legs, I still log all of my calories and maintain a deficit set up to lose half a pound a week. I keep promising myself I will change this, but I don’t. Because I don’t have the faith in myself yet, that this is a lifestyle. And I get on the scale and I have gained two pounds and I panic. And getting ready for work is so much easier when your clothes fit.

So new goals. I want to run a 5K two minutes faster than my fastest time. I know this is a crazy goal, akin to the running ten miles when I had never run, but I think I can do it. The Pocono Challenge was crazy goal too. I have never really tried to run super fast, so I am excited about this.  This would make my PR 26:28!!!! Yawn for some people out there, but for me it would be a triumph.

Here is what I am doing to accomplish that:

  • Tempo runs twice a week. (I should point out that I am nowhere near doing tempo runs as this website explains. I have eight different tempo run routines, such as half mile 5K pace, half mile jog, or quarter mile 5K pace, quarter mile jog, quarter mile 10K quarter pace, quarter mile jog etc.)
  • Strength workouts twice a week, followed by moderate bike work out for twenty to thirty minutes.
  • Cycling once or twice a week.
  • If I only bike once a week, a 5K check in run.
  • Core exercises three times a week.

It seems like much more than it actually is. For instance, the tempo runs are between four and five miles. I also do the core exercises on the same day as I do the runs and my off day, and they only take about ten minutes. The strength exercises take about thirty minutes or less. I finish the hour or fifty minutes on the stationary bike, depending on what time I was able to get to the gym. And the biking is for the joy of it. I am thinking of adding in one HIIT session like I use to do on the same days I bike, or on days that I know I won’t get to biking. I am worried about losing a full day of strength training. Because, I don’t like change.

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