I haven’t written in a while, so this is what you call pulling out all of the stops. I have really had trouble staying motivated, mostly because I am so tired for some reason. I don’t think I am doing too much too soon, I do think it is a busy time of the year. And my perspective has shifted. Most of the time.

One of the things that has been playing in my mind is how fast life goes. I have been to a few funerals of my peers lately.  I guess the heart of it is that I feel my age. And I don’t mean that in a bad way, necessarily.  I have two very deep lines around my eyes, that don’t bother me. I kind of like them. I earned them. They have become part of the person I expect to see in the mirror. And I am always happy to see a familiar friendly face.

I am having more trouble getting out the door in the morning. Getting up at four requires going to bed by nine at the latest, which means I miss time with my family. I don’t want to give up my routine, but I miss my family. And I am still late for work. But, when I don’t go to the gym, I notice a big difference in my day. I have grown to enjoy running on the treadmill even if some days it really wipes me out. To that end I have been working more on my diet in the hopes of having more energy.

At some point, though, I have to question why I continue with this. I am not signed up for anything, although I am hoping to do a 5K in March and the Broad Street in May. But the need to go further faster is leaking out of me. I have this memory of doing long slow runs and really enjoying them. Hard to believe as I struggle to do three miles. I know part of the reason I continue is vanity. I am smaller, I like the way I look in my clothes (most of the time). Funny side story, the other day my husband hugged me and told me I was getting smaller again. Then he said, “I like you better a little heavier.” I didn’t know whether to punch him or to kiss him. Seriously?  Because part of me really wanted to go, “Oh, Thank God! Enough of this shit!”

But I don’t really. Because I guess it does go beyond body image after all. Life is moving really fast. I can feel and see myself getting older. I am never going to be or look the way I did when I was in my twenties or even my thirties. Okay, fine. I may never be as fast at running as I was even last year. I am trying to be okay with that. That is harder, I guess because I feel as though I have some control over it. And, on some level, I really do believe that the faster you slow down the faster you stop. And I’m so not ready for stop. I have a lot of things that I really want to do and see.

So I guess I just talked myself back into running today.