So here I am again. No, not again. This is the worst I have been since I started this whole fitness endeavor. And it really doesn’t matter how or why I got here, the point is this is where I am now. And I am sad, and disappointed and  little flabbergasted to be honest. It’s not as though I have just been sitting around. I have been out every week at least three times a week. But not the usual six or seven days and not with any where near the intensity I felt in the beginning. But, I have also been to a party every weekend, at least one, since Memorial Day. And I have enjoyed each one thoroughly which caused me to miss work outs.  Can’t change that. Can’t change what I did before. Can only work on now.

This morning when I stepped on the scale I realized I had gained around twenty pounds from my lowest weight. I shouldn’t have been so surprised, it is evident everywhere from my lack of running endurance to the tape measure. But I was. And I sincerely wanted to cry. Lose a little water weight any way. I didn’t need the scale to tell me. I’ve felt it in my clothes and in the pull of my belly when I move.  So now it all comes down to what I do next. Like everything in life, really.

I not only don’t want to give up running, I want back the feeling of confidence that I could wear whatever was in my closet. But I also want the pride in being able to go for seven or eight or ten miles. Right now four and a half to five is my limit and that is with multiple walking breaks. It’s been hot, it’s been humid, I have lost endurance and my waist is making me work harder. Okay. So that is where I am…now.

Now I need to chart the course for where I want to be. It wasn’t that long ago that I ran ten miles. Nine without stopping. It wasn’t that long ago that I was doing speed drills. I have avoided the gym because I am afraid of the treadmill. I am worried that I won’t be able to maintain and have to start walking. I don’t work out as well at home. Too easily distracted, too easy to start making coffee and lunches. Too easy to take short cuts.  I have struggled to pull myself out of bed at five. But I have done it, most mornings anyway.

So, if this is where I am now, what do I do? If I were giving somebody else advise I would say, “Start with where you are and build your goals from there. ” That sounds pretty smart, so that is what I am going to do. Today, I am skipping a Happy Hour (shocking, I know) and going for a run. I am going to see how far I can really go without stopping.After one of the busiest and most stressful weeks in a long time, I know going out and having a glass of wine could easily lead to stopping and having a bottle of wine at home. And then I would tap it all weekend. This is getting in my way of what I want to do and be. Not that I have any intention of giving up red wine. Especially now as Fall is my favorite time for wine. But I need to take a step back until I can get back on track.

I am also seriously dieting for awhile. This tends not to stick for me, as I hate food restrictions in general, so I am going to try to keep it simple. I like planning and organizing so that helps to motivate me and I simply expect to be hungry, so I am prepared for that. The hard part will be timing my snacks before runs or workouts so that I have the energy to build back my endurance, my speed and my distance.  This week, I am planning dinners from this site.  The meals look easy, like my family will eat them and most are around three hundred calories with a high protein intake. Hopefully they turn out to be pretty good. Normally when I diet I take a day every week to let loose. I am going to do that again, but within reason. I know there will be many days that I fail, but I want to start with the idea that I can be successful.

My goal for exercise is six days a week. That is hard with the schedule lately, and some of my support is unavailable right now. I am going to have to find work arounds and plan each week out as it comes. In a way, that makes me happy. It will force me to be honest about where I really am and then plan mini goals each week. I bought headphones, something I have been without, and in the next few days I am going to create a new playlist. For now, I think I will probably listen to sports radio.

And I think I am going to try to check in through this blog. It keeps me honest and motivates me. It is also a head check. Sometimes when I’m writing I am surprised by what appears on the page. Things I didn’t even realize I was pondering. My goal is to write once a week, preferably after a work out. 

Big goals are to lose the twenty pounds and three inches by Winter Break. Small goals are to reign in my eating and work out six days a week for fifty to sixty minutes, doing whatever I can do. I can’t go back, but I can deal with now.