Change

Hello, World. It’s been a while. And although I’ve been working out (sort of) less, with less intensity. I have done a complete backward slide.  The original purpose of this site was to sort of track my progress, and force accountability.  But it also served as a way for me to journal through what it all felt like.  I lost that. I also lost the time and the mental discipline to work out. This created a shame cycle that was just completely unhealthy. So, I’m back. But not in the way of starting over. This isn’t the beginning, it is the middle.

Every good leader knows that change, new initiatives whatever go through cycles of chaos, and feeling lost. It isn’t until you come out at another peak that you often can see and understand the point of the harder times. I resist all harder times, and sometimes hide from them. I am considering this somewhere in the curve of the “u” and wondering what I can learn down here. Because, you know, I do believe understanding where you are in your journey is pretty important. It helps me to center myself and know that it is a place in my journey and not the destination. Goal markers change all the time, they have to. Otherwise we would be dead. So, goals yes, destination unknown.

I’m fifty now, almost fifty one! How about that! I weigh just about as much as I did when I was pregnant with my first child. My legs are larger than I’ve ever seen them and when I do run I feel as though my ass is like an extra piece bouncing along behind me. Oh yeah, I can’t run. Yesterday I did my first  mile in a really long time. I’m not sure how that happened and I use to come home and cry about it, but I don’t anymore. I just keep trying. I do run less, which I know isn’t helping. But the joy is no longer there. Well, sometimes it is. It feels much harder. It’s like yoga only more tiring.

I needed a reassessment for myself, and here it is This might be the best I can do. Seriously, I am going to keep trying, but what if this is it? What if the person who ran all those miles, biked for joy and ate healthy because she was fueling her body has aged away? What if this is my new best me? Then what? Well, fuck! (Yeah, some things have not changed). Then I am just going to love this body. Because it’s the one I got. And it is still getting it done. I am going to find the beauty and the joy in who I am now. I’m proud of my accomplishments. And being me, I am going to keep trying. I am going to keep pushing myself to be stronger, have more endurance, etc. But maybe this is the new peak. Okay, well then Yea, Me! Because I’m still here. I’m still out there even though it feels as though I’m going backwards. I’m still trying, even though I have so often wanted to just give up. So, YEA, ME!

I am going to keep writing and I am going to post it, because I feel as though that helps. I want to be able to run seven miles again. Why seven? I don’t know but it has always been the number. And I want to bike again. I have been out a few times, but not as much as I would like. I know I need to strength train, and I want to add yoga. This is part of the problem. It is so hard to keep up with everything you are supposed to do. It becomes overwhelming and constantly feels as though somewhere I am failing. I tried doing what brings me joy but apparently that much red wine isn’t healthy. Who knew? So, I am sort of tweaking and working out a schedule. For the working out, not the wine. Wine needs no schedule.

I can’t start over, but I can keep going.

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