So, yeah, I’ve been working on the Betty Rocker Ninety Day. And for the most part I have been completely true to the exercise program. I have changed some of the days around on the calendar, but I get in four hard workouts (for me) and mostly my yoga. Like everyone else I’ve been struggling with the new normal. Like a lot of people, I am worried about keeping my family safe and our financial future.

I think the biggest impact it had on my everyday health, besides stress was I really let my eating plan just go. In the beginning it was because we never knew what we were going to be able to get in terms of food. A lot more pasta crept into my life. I was eating more bread, often because I just didn’t know what else to eat. What food was safe? What food could we get? And, in the beginning, I baked all the time. Several times a week at least. I’m a freaking awesome baker, so yeah, I ate it. I would just wake up, scour the Internet for recipes and then poof! instant comfort food and inches for my belly.

That is where I can see my bad diet. My arms look pretty good, and my legs are becoming more sculpted. I have gained at least an inch around my middle. I think the rest all went to my face. When I am on Zoom calls I spend quite a bit of time counting my chins. It is a little depressing, because I never realized how vain I was until I had to see my reflection for long periods of time.  So, I have promised myself I will work on my diet. Soon. In the future. I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I think it is a good thing. Food is becoming a little easier to come by and I am working on eating healthier. I am trying to add a vegetable to every meal and seriously limit my bread. When I was working out hard every day, my formula was protein and a vegetable with every meal, a little fat and some whole grains. I would like to try to go back to this. Two reasons I haven’t are because I haven’t been able to stock the house for this and I don’t always want to.

Lunches are the hardest. I sort of stare into my fridge for awhile. Depending on how hungry I am I can come away with yogurt, nuts and some fruit or some really mayonnaise filled tuna on some bread. This week, I have also been sleeping better so eating healthier feels easier. When I don’t sleep for long periods, that is one of the first things I let go of.  I am very good at enabling myself when I feel sad or like a two year old. I only have two settings when it comes to my self talk. I am either “Aww, poor baby. Here just eat this yummy warm apple cobbler and curl up on the couch.” or “What the ever loving FUCK! Get up off your ass and quit being such a baby! If you would just DO something you would be fine.” Yeah, it’s a definite ward in my head.  But, I’m used to it. I work towards balance, and sometimes I achieve it but never for long periods of time.

Sometimes I get tired of working towards things. Especially lately, when so much is out of my control.  I begin to wonder what the point is. I am scared a lot. Maybe spending too much time in my apple cobbler setting. Days blend together and activities have been harder. I realize I spend much more time sitting. Not just because that is how teach and prepare now, but also because I spend waaaaaay too much time reading the news. Just when I think I can get a handle on something and keep going, some other disaster I just can’t do a damn thing about creeps in and my fear jacks way up. We have been working on getting a puppy. I can’t help but worry that this could literally kill one of us. It scares the shit out of me. It exhausts me.

But then, I saw someone I love deeply recently. (through Zoom)  She goes to the hospital every day. She is working in the ICU. I knew of course that she was working in the hospital, but I didn’t realize where. But of course she is. She is highly trained, amazing under pressure and just super smart. Of course she is in the thick of it.  And I realized that I am not exhausted. I am scared, I am sad, I am even petulant at times because I hate this.  But I am fine. Yes, this sucks. Yes, this is hard. But it’s time to stop feeling sorry for myself.

This is life for now.

I am lucky.