So a couple of weeks ago I did a vision board for the first time. If you don’t know, as I understand it, a vision board is a space to organize your ideas, dreams or whatever in the form of pictures and words. It is suppose to help you remain focused on what you want to do. I think the idea is similar to that of repeating a phrase or goal over and over so that it sticks in your subconscious or conscious. I do look at it every day because I like it. However, I did it mostly to sort out some thoughts, because I was feeling stressed and I wanted to focus more directly on what was important to me. I have been feeling pulled in so many directions lately, and to be honest, a little sad. Besides, I’m still looking for a midlife crisis that I can really wrap myself around and this might help me get there.
I was admiring my work, when my son pointed out that the word RUN really didn’t appear on the board. I argued that there was a whole phrase that read “This is someday: Marine Corp Marathon.” But he was right, the word run did not appear exactly. Strong and Fit! Joy and Zest, but not Run. I keep thinking about this and depending on what room in my head I am in, I have had different thoughts. If I am in my “Dig Down Deep and Listen To Yourself Room” I wonder if I am trying to tell myself something. If I am in the “No Seriously, You Don’t Really Believe This Bullshit Room” then I think it is because Katie had my Runner’s World while I was thinking of it. And when I am in my “Don’t Over Think This Room” I think that it just wasn’t something that I needed to focus on. Today I am in my “I Can’t Wait Until the Broad Street is Over Room” so I am thinking about it.
Last night I dreamed that I couldn’t find my way to the Broad Street. My husband dropped me off and somehow I got lost. I think I got this idea from reading the website, because I am one of those people that reads the WHOLE site to get ready. Anyway, it said something about people being around the course in case a runner got lost. At the time I thought, “How the hell can you get lost going straight on one street with all of those other runners around you?” I mean there are literally thousands of people moving in the same direction. Who is going to just not follow the crowd? This is not the time to be an individual! But I digress. In my dream, I kept asking for directions and the starting line got further and further away. At one point I remember thinking, I can’t walk twenty blocks and then run this thing. When I finally got there I realized I didn’t have my phone, and I kept begging people to call my husband to ask him to bring it to me. And then I realized I also forgot my bib. Also, my children showed up at the beginning of the race, and they agreed to hold my pocketbook and I left them in an ice-cream shop.(Which if you know anything about me as a parent, I would never do this). And when I finally started off, it was me and about fifteen other people. And I remember thinking, I don’t belong here. These are the really slow people. Considering how slow I have been running, this seems a little arrogant. As I ran, the course was already closing so I had to make my way around all of these people who were just driving down Broad Street. And then I did get lost because I decided to slide down a pole (yeah, but I’ve warned you before, my head is a scary place to be if you aren’t use to it.) And then I woke up.
You don’t need to be Freud to pull apart that I don’t feel ready for this thing next week. And although I keep telling people that it is no big deal, and my goal is just to finish, I lie. I do that a lot to myself around running. My goal is to finish close to the time I had last year without any walk breaks. And, my goal is to never again feel the way I did when I ran the last three miles at the Seaside Heights Duathlon. That is in the forefront of my head whenever I train for anything. That was hell and had it not been for my nephew I don’t think I would have made it.
The thing is, I am finally starting to feel stronger around my runs. I am finally able to think seriously about doing five miles daily with a longer run I can build up over the weekends. But, I’m not there yet. I need about another two months to really think about doing this run without fear of not finishing. So today, I attempt my last long run before the big event. I am hoping to go eight miles. I haven’t gone more than eight miles and I haven’t been able to run eight miles without walk breaks. I do think that some of this has to do with the hills. But I also think that some of it has to do with the fact that I just am not back to where I need to be.
So I am putting RUN on my board.